Our first tournament of the season was today. The summary of the day is as follows: Damn Mexican maid woke me up too soon so I was late for my tee time. I didn’t have adequate time to rub one out in the shower, leaving me very tense upon stepping on the first tee.

Sliced into the woods.

Before I know it I find myself chipping in for 6 as well as my caddy still missing from my errant approach shot. My second shot was so deep in the woods I wouldn’t find Dereik, my caddy, for another two hours–until we got on hole 11. I needed to pick me up so I crushed a bumpski off the cart cushion and wailed a drive down the throat. Unfortunately the rest of the round I had to play with a boner.